The Yutz and The Putz
“The Blob” was a 1958 Science Fiction movie: The film stars the then unknown but soon to be iconic actor, Steve McQueen. The plot depicts an geometrically expanding red amoeba type alien who crashes to earth from outer space in a meteorite and begins to engulf and digest humans. The creature’s vulnerability to coldness is discovered and it is finally shrunken and contained. It is then transported the to the Arctic, where it is parachuted to a perpetual frozen and arrested existence. Conventional wisdom says while the “Blob” alien is not dead, it “has appeared to have been stopped.” To this, Steve McQueen replies with the now prophetic last line in the film, "Yeah, stopped as long as the Arctic stays cold.”
Cleon Neon has now devoted his life to becoming a full time Social Justice and Environmental Warrior. The twenty something snowflake millennial was formerly known as Ronnie Stebbani. He took the name Cleon Neon and dyed his hair green during his freshmen year at college. That’s when his professors started to smothered him with vile, guilt ridden left wing anti American propaganda. They also enlightened him to his shameful white privileged existence.
After his first semester visit back home to Indiana the locals also renamed him: “The Asshole formerly known as Ronnie Stebbani.” By the way his hometown is the unofficial Midwest HQ of the KKK. They all believe he now brings shame to their town. His parents tacitly support his direction in life.
Thank goodness the university provides him with a safe space and crayons along with the coloring book“America So Racist” by the former 1960’s Black Panther and now Professor, Myron X. All this, at a four year cost of close to $120,000.00 tuition (covered by his late grandparents) to discover the roots of his caucasian guilt. In addition, the faculty tutors him on his inbred and irreversible “micro-aggressions” and how to accept his eternal existence as a white devil.
Truth be told, Cleon is a border line semi-functional idiot, receiving passing grades for his politicalized regurgitation of Racially Diverse Truths spewing from the university Awareness Incubators. This description of the faculty mission is Politically Correct.
Cleon has sworn (moralistically affirmed) to dedicate his life to stopping social and environmental injustice. The white male dominated past has been ruining mother earth while systematically suppressing minorities. Cleon was now going to set things straight or non-sexually orientated correct.
The dominance of the naturally programmed and criminally motivated white male is and has always been quite evident. It has led to the exploitive, immoral and illegal extraction of fossil fuels that produce the carbon dioxide toxin killing Mother Earth. These evil white men have especially targeted, enslaved and extorted the natural resources belonging to the third world. Cleon is committing himself to bringing out the truth that until now, has been obscured by HIS-story. He has also become a feminist.
Cleon sees truth in science fiction and believes wholeheartedly, among other unconventional theories, in the UFO/Extra Terrestrial cover up by the racist United States government and its link to responsibility for Climate Change. He has to do something about this, something BIG!
The toxic mix of his simple mind, his collegiate awakening, a healthy dose of science fiction and climate change theorists are the seminal intersection for Cleon’s premier post graduate investigation. This investigation, he believes will be the motivation for his landmark video expose linking climate change and American nationalistic white racism to a more immediate danger facing the world: “Extinction by Other Means Hastened by Climate Change”, a blockbuster, like Al Gore’s “Inconvenient Truth.”
At the age of 24, Cleon has finally graduated college, and is now in direct receipt of a generous trust fund stipend. These funds are generated from a portfolio set up years ago by his now deceased paternal grandfather, (A dead, old white man.) With diploma and monthly direct deposited funds in hand, Cleon decides to move to Brooklyn, New York to begin his professional career as a serious Social and Environmental Justice Warrior.
In his travels of discovery throughout the streets of Brooklyn, Cleon’s first meaningful encounter with a “real” street person of color is meeting Tibberous Jefferson aka Rolaids. This will become a serendipitous meeting for both.
Rolaids is a unique individual. He is a 35 year old paraplegic black man bound to a wheel chair who claims to have AIDS. He also conveniently sees everything as a conspiracy by the white man to keep him down.
Tibberous was a teen back in the bad old days in Brooklyn. Of course, he was naturally racially profiled by the cops in his all black neighborhood and arrested a number of times for selling drugs. He always claimed to have HIV/AIDS so he wouldn’t get into street fights,(nobody wants contact with AIDS blood) and in addition, the cops wouldn’t tune him up.
Tibberous also believed by claiming to have AIDS, he wouldn’t be homosexually molested in jail. (That part didn’t quite work as planned during his stints at Riker’s Island.)
On a late hot summer night, Tibberous was shot in the back by one of his disgruntled crack head customers. Tibberous became a paraplegic. A wiseass Brooklyn North Narcotics cop saw him on the street when Tibberous got out of the hospital riding in his new wheelchair. The cop nicknamed him Rolaids - NOT because he thought Tibberous had heartburn and indigestion.
Rolaids - the street name which Tibberous has since embraced.
But things have changed on the now safe streets of 2017 Brooklyn.
The out of town “progressive” white transplants are in awe of Rolaids’ combination of both the real and fictitious tales about his life experiences. They crave his ability to help them cope with their inherent caucasian based pathology of micro aggressions.
News Flash: Tibberous aka Rolaids STILL does NOT have AIDS. But he believes in keeping the AIDS myth alive. It gives him some sort of sympathetic liberal victim status and respect with the hip caucasian millennials. It also keeps those white boy colon cadets away from him.
“You know the white crackers of the CIA brought AIDS into the black community along with crack to keep us brothers down,” He loudly admonishes anyone of the caucasian persuasion who will listen. “The system is designed by white devils to keep us brothers down!” He continually admonishes the cowed caucasians. Rolaids is loving this!
But Rolaids really does like white people. His sister Polly, has always dated white guys. He would always tell the brothers that were interested in her to forget about it. Rolaids would say to Polly, in his squeaky white boy voice: “Polly want a Cracker?”
Rolaids lives off SSI Disability and supplements his income with a small local weed business. The business is successful with the support and encouragement of his caucasian followers who are his best customers. He keeps a low profile and even the Narcotics cops let him slide. He’s become a harmless and familiar fixture in the community.
Rolaids holds court in a public skate board park where the hip caucasians gather. The hipsters feel the vibe of belonging to the neighborhood when they are acknowledged by Rolaids. His transference of familiarity soothes their incurable micro aggression syndrome. They love it when Rolaids singles one of them out and says “You Cool.”
That’s why they all wear safety pins and vehemently express their hate for the cops. Rolaids depends on white guilt for his financial existence and current street celebrity. It’s a win win situation for all involved.
Rolaids’ new best friend, Cleon Neon fits right in to the Brooklyn Milieu, and Rolaids knows it. He really likes Cleon. If one employed the 1950’s bygone descriptive slang of these same streets -Yiddish- they’d agree: Cleon and Rolaids are both meshugge (crazy) and have a tendency to involve themselves in mishegoss:(crazy and bizarre actions.)
If it was 1950, they’d be known as The Yutz and The Putz.
Cleon believes he has found in Rolaids the perfect companion to share in the glory of saving the earth. They’ve now become inseparable. Rolaids really enjoys hanging out with Cleon and discovers they share interests in the same strange inquires and conspiracy beliefs.
One of Cleon’s main theories that has intrigued Rolaids: Cleon believes the fictitious extraterrestrial creature “The Blob," from the 1958 science fiction film of the same name, really exists and survives in the frozen Arctic. The problem is how to expose this mainstream scientific denial and U.S. government coverup to provoke a world wide wake up call. It is an environmental emergency.
The Blob will engulf humanity IF climate change is NOT IMMEDIATELY addressed! The creature will soon expand if the current status quo carbon emissions continue as the climate changes and melts the Arctic. Steve McQueen’s 1958 closing line: "Yeah, stopped as long as the Arctic stays cold,” echoes into 2017.
Cleon’s mission is to rally the world to immediately reverse the effects of climate change. Human extinction by other means, as by an extraterrestrial creature, would immediately solicit a worldwide affirmative and aggressive response. This overwhelming response would be to immediately and drastically curb carbon emissions and save the earth. It would be more effective than what is currently being considered. “The entire world will mobilize, like it did in all those 1950’s science fiction movies.” Cleon excitedly says to Rolaids.
Rolaids and Cleon are having dinner. They’re at a local neighborhood leftover (from the old days) greasy spoon Chinese restaurant appropriately named Tou Dum Fuk’s. It is now frequented by caucasian millennials and has the same popularity as local leftover “dive bars”.
Cleon goes on to relate, in detail, his Blob theory for Rolaids.
“On September 26th 1950, a rural Pennsylvania cop saw a parachute in the sky landing.”
“Upon close inspection, it’s packaged appearance consisted of a purple object, filled with strange crystals emitting a mist. He put his hand in it. It left a odorless sticky residue on his hand, but fortunately “The Blob” didn't digest the cop. The creature had other plans for him.”
“The story the government want us to believe is that during the short period of observation, “The Blob” dissolved into the earth. The FBI and military were notified and didn't arrive in time to witness anything. The whole incident was later reported officially as bathroom waste discharged from a passing airliner.”
“Truly a load of shit!”
“This was the start of the government cover up. But here’s what really happened.”
“The original cop actually removed “The Blob” to the small town and then it started to expand, digesting people as it grew bigger and bigger. That’s when the white male dominated FBI and military were really called in.”
“The locals were threatened by soldiers and FBI agents to keep quiet about all of it.”
“The expansion and digestion part of the story was never reported, but the movie tells the whole truth!”
“I believe the FBI and military were able to freeze the Blob and fly it to the Arctic and dump it. They knew how to safely handle and immobilize“The Blob” from debriefing other alien lifeforms held captive at Area 51.”
“This event was originally reported locally, then “sanitized” by the white male run national news media and dismissed as a prank. Back then, the unexplained was usually ignored and identified as a joke. The FBI and the military were giving the media a coverup story. America, back then had complete confidence in those white male dominated institutions.”
Rolaids sits in awe, his mushrooms,(not the ones in his food) are working on him full time and he’s in to this, big time.
Cleon thinks they should track down that original cop from 1950. Hopefully he’s still alive. Rolaids bets it turns out he hasn't aged a day, and formed his own mysterious religion, which has a limited secret membership. He heard all about this bazaar story during his one stays in an upstate prison from a Nation of Islam disciple. Now it all makes sense, or is it the mushrooms?
Rolaids heard it was all about a white cop who left his job after a strange incident and somehow became African American. He later hooked up with the Nation of Islam for a short time and then totally disappeared.
Cleon said they’d leave no stone in the search unturned. He was hoping he might be able to make the race conversion himself and become African American. After all, Cleon was a self-hating caucasian.
Within the next few weeks, Cleon and Rolaids first step was to scour the internet and find the cop. They discovered he moved to an isolated rural area of Mississippi WITHIN months of the incident. This led to a grave in an overgrown cemetery outside of a small rundown church.
Further investigation revealed the cop, Reverend Curtis Cook, died twenty years ago. He left behind a small sect of true believers. The small congregation refuses to confirm or deny anything about “The Blob.” They are aware of Cook’s penchant for UFO and Extra Terrestrial references to the apocalypse. Cook had preached the apocalypse would begin in the Arctic, not the holy land.
Cleon and Rolaids figure out Cook was a black man who had passed the Paper Bag test: Historically, a brown paper bag was used as a way to determine whether or not an African American individual could pass for caucasian. Only individuals with a skin color that is the same color or lighter than a brown paper bag were able to “pass”. This explained the part about Cook being able to hold a law enforcement position circa 1940-1950 in racist America. This was a disappointment to Cleon. No extra terrestrial race conversion existed here. Rolaids was also hoping there might be a miracle to bring back his mobility.
This new information tied in with what Cleon recalled from one of his many black history classes. Is this all coincidental? Cleon opined to Rolaids:
“The North Pole was really discovered by an African American explorer, Dr. Frederick A. Cook, not the caucasian cultural appropriator Robert Peary.” Dr. Cook had seemingly returned from the dead after more than a year in the Arctic, he reached the pole in April 1908. That was full year before the white devil Robert Peary, “stole” the glory of “discovering The North Pole” from Dr. Cook.”
Was Reverend Cook a descendant of Dr. Frederick Cook? Amazingly, they both passed the paper bag test, But Dr. Cook identified as a black man. What’s going on here?
Cleon thought: had all this been destined to occur, The Cooks, “The Blobs”, and now us? Maybe there was an earlier meteorite and Dr. Cook conspired to hide it in the Arctic knowing the world would dismiss the findings of a black man trying to save the earth. More likely the white devils would steal Dr. Cook’s glory and accomplishment. Or had Blob II somehow knew to contact the other Cook in 1950 searching for Blob I? Was Peary used to put the kibosh on the discovery that a black man saved the world? This was becoming a true mystery to solve.
But now Cleon and Rolaids, in unity, would save the world from the current and/or earlier “Blobs” while also hastening the world to aggressively fight Climate Change. The two believe they now have to convince the world to follow their lead and save humanity. NO paper bag test needed. History would be corrected AFTER they saved the world.
Cleon and Rolaids return to Brooklyn from Mississippi. They know their movements and communications are probably now monitored by everyone. Their next move has to be politically strategic and confidential. They agree to try and stealthily contact the proper organizations, starting with the former Vice President Al Gore. As usual, Cleon exaggerates his findings.
Cleon and Rolaids are contacted by a woman claiming to represent Al Gore. She wants to set up a meeting to discuss their incredible findings. She sounds excited and assures Cleon of the importance of their discovery.
Cleon and Rolaids secretly rendezvous at a deserted location late that next night. They are picked up by two African American women in a large black SUV with tinted windows. The SUV travels to an unknown isolated New Jersey destination.
The two social and environmental warriors are ushered into a meeting room. They are assured their presence is of the upmost importance. They never see Al Gore.
In a lightening move, both of the escorting women simultaneously kill their passengers each with one shot to the head. Their bodies are placed in fifty gallon oil drums. The Mafia’s "lupara bianca," or "white shotgun” is deployed. They make their victims mysteriously vanish without a trace by dissolving the bodies with sulfuric acids expertly applied. As the bodies are dissolved, bone and teeth fragments remain. Those remains are pulverized into dust. The acid is removed and the dust is mixed with cement set to dry in the drums.
The oil drums are immediately flown over the Arctic and dumped.
The disappearance of Cleon and Rolaids remains an enduring mystery, especially with their Brooklyn neighborhood’s knowledge of their work.
The conspiracies and theories of the caucasian millennials and the street people are wildly diverse. Was it a drug deal gone wrong? Was it the evil white male dominated government and their secret agencies? Was it a jealous Al Gore? Was it extraterrestrials? Was it a white supremacist group?
They all crave for transparency in the case of their missing friends.
What do you think really happened to The Yutz and The Putz?
Published 03/19/17 www.short-story.me